Christmas!

Hiya!

I had a great Christmas this year, I spent loads of time with my family playing games, sitting around the christmas tree and chatting and stuff and I really enjoyed myself. I also got some really cool presents e.g. an 80gb iPod, some new CD's, new books, bath stuff, Ugly Betty series 1 on DVD, jewellery and loads more random cool stuff!

So... the weight...

I have been a right fatty for the past 3 days so here are my current stats:

Current Weight: 112lbs
Gained: 4lbs
Lowest weight: 107lbs
Goal:105lbs

So I don't plan to eat today or tomorrow so get my weight back down to where it was before or even less and it's going to be really easy because even though I still have loads of temptation (i.e. all my christmas sweets/chocolates) I'm not actually hungry because of the amount I've eaten the past few days. To give you an idea I'll write roughly what I ate yesterday (boxing day spent with my family at my nanny and grandad's house) and a warning: it's NOT pretty! (in order throughout the day from 9am to 10pm)

• Piece of bread with low fat butter and jam.
• Handful of trail mix
• Roast dinner (Quorn chicken, veg and roast potatos/parsnips)
• Christmas pudding with double cream and brandy butter.
• Two ice-cream chocolates.
• Three pieces of fudge.
• One Chocolate biscuit.
• Two slices of cheese on toast.
• Four after 8 mints.

I told you it wasn't pretty and I probably ate more then that on christmas day!

So anyway, I have a bridesmaid dress fitting on saturday so I have to get back down to at least 110lbs by then to look even moderatly good in my dress because it's so tight like a corset, so you have to be stick thin to look nice in it and I'm no where near thin yet so yeah, I have to lose at least 2lbs in 2 days... easy right? So I'll probably loose more than that! Yay!

Crapiest week since starting this blog!

Seriously, I've put on all the weight I lost this past few weeks, I'm now back to 111lbs and I feel so fat and guilty and worthless, i made such an effort to get to my mini target of 105lbs and now I feel like I'm starting all over again. All this week I've been really bad with things like sweets, cakes and chocolate, you know... the stuff that makes you obese and it's really taken it's toll and made me loose focus on my goal. Also it's very near to christmas (only 3 days) and i'm pretty sure it's going to be pretty hard to even maintain my weight during a time when the world turns into glutenous pigs! I know I will probably be one of them.


Nevertheless I'm starting again today and so far I've eaten roughly 100kcals and I don't plan to eat anything else today (apart from maybe a few cups of tea). To take my mind off food and stuff though when I get back from work I'm making a list of things to do so that I have no time to eat anything!


5.30pm: Take a bath
6.30pm:Watch TV

Thereafter watching TV I can:

• Surf the internet


• Study Biology


• Finish photography folder work


• Write in my ana journal


• Look for constipation pills on net chemist (will need these over christmas if i cant make myself throw up)


• Look for new diet pills (find better ones then the hoodia ones i am currently using)


• Read a book.


• Draw some anime.


• Update my myspace/youtube/facebook accounts


• E-mail my pro-ana buddy! Updates, new goals etc


• Download some new music
• Listen to music
• Pamper myself, nails, make-up, moisture cream etc
  

I think that list will keep me going the whole evening then on saturday i'm going shopping with 2 of my friends so it will be easy to avoid food because they never question me when it comes to food, they haven't got a clue so it's all good. Hope I can get back down to atleast 107lbs if not 105 by christmas so if i put weight on it will be easier to get down to my targets again. Will hope to write a new post my christmas eve but may not be untill the 27th december. Wish me luck!

Part Time Job!

Hiya!

I've kinda got a temporary part time job now, It's helping out my Dad's friend with his business and I did some work for him over the summer holidays and I've now been offered some more casual work in my spare time so I'm here now in the office... writing in my blog lol! What's good about this job is that it keeps me busy and therefore keeps my mind off of food AND i earn money at the same time so it's really a WIN:WIN situation :D

Worry of the moment: My period has just come which means that
1. I just had a huge chocolate binge and the more serious situation
2. It wasn't really a period, it lasted just one day (yesterday) and was the tiniest smear of blood I've ever seen. So now I'm worried that my periods have stopped and I'm not sure what to do, i know really it means I should start eating properly and dare i say it, put some weight on but I'm so close to my target I just can't stop, I keep telling myself, "just 98lbs that's not too bad, not too unhealthy and I'll be thin and pretty and in control" but when your periods stop, it stops your bones from absorbing calcium and I don't wan osteoporosis or anything...

I know... I'll continue my diet until I get to my target weight (98lbs) then if my periods are still not happening then I'll try not to lose any more or something, but for now I'm just gonna look on some health sites or something to reassure myself that everything is okay...

Anyhow... My current stats:

Weight: 107lbs
BMI: 17.8 (apparently I'm underweight, what a load of bullshit!)
Waist: 24"
Hips: 30"
Bust (under boobs): 30"

Anyone wanna talk? : flaco_deseo@hotmail.co.uk

Family Dinner!

Update: I guess I've done okayish over the weekend, I haven't lost or gained any weight, still 108lbs but I still feel exactly as I did at 114lbs!!! I've lost 6lbs since then and still look like a whale, no one's noticed but that's a good thing cos no one will suspect a thing, and I can carry on in complete control and show them all how powerful I can be!

Anyway, I've managed to avoid eating dinner with my family for the past 2 weeks now so that I could pretend to make my own dinner or make dinner and throw it away but today it was one of my families birthday so it was too difficult to reject eating with them - here came my first test -trying to hide food in front of my family whilst trying to make them believe I was eating all of it.

To be honest it was quite easy, I wore a huge baggy jumper with a large double front pocket. The dinner was the hard part, I was really nervous because it was a HUGE dinner of battered fish, chips, peas and mushrooms, full of hundreds and hundreds of calories, not to mention FAT. Firstly I managed to get away with picking out the fish from the batter and giving the batter to my dad, there was hardly any fish and loads of batter so eating the fish wasn't too bad.

I ate all the peas and mushrooms because I figured they're just vegetables and can't harm me too much and whilst eating them as slow as I could I smuggled most of the chips into my front pocket, then I made an excuse that I was cold, went to get another jumper and threw away the chips (and believe me there were sooooo many chips, i think my mum gave me extra deliberatly). I had to eat about 3 chips in the process to make it less obvious to my parents though. So in total I can't have eaten more then about 200kcals - I HATE NOT KNOWING FOR CERTAIN!

Even though that's all I've eaten all day I feel reaaaaaalllly guilty and I honestly feel like I want to cry, I can't throw it up because I have a phoebia of puke so I don't know what to do, I HAVE to reach 105lbs by friday or i'll have to MAKE myself throw up or think of some kind of punishment for myself for being so fat and ugly and stupid! I can't believe I ate today when I was so ready to go without so easily and avoid tempataion. I feel like a failure but atleast I managed to get away with leaving most of the food and my parents don't suspect much, I just have to stay alert and aware of any dangers of my parents finding out about my diet and I should be able to reach my first major goal of 98lbs, HAHA I haven't even reached my mini-goal (105lbs) but by the end of this week I have to be and then only 7lbs to go! See you soon x

108lbs

That's right, I now weight 108lbs and I'm starting to get into the swing of my new diet. When my mum suspects anything I just cook myself dinner, take it to my bedroom, take 1 or 2 bites then wrap the rest in tissue, put it in a plastic bag and throw it away, simple!

So here's my current stats:

Highest weight (this year-2007) - 126lbs

Current weight: 108lbs

Lowest weight: 108lbs

Waist: 24.5"

Hips: 31"

Here's a new pic of me (well my stomach anyway)

THIS IS SO STUPID

I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NOT EATING, I CAN DO IT!

I HAD SOME FAT BINGE ON ICING TODAY AND I FEEL REALLY BAD SO I'M WATCHING THINSPO TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BUT I DON'T NEET MY MUM TO START QUESTIONING ME ABOUR EATING.
AND I'VE JUST REALISED HOW BAD I WANT TO BE THIN, IT MEANS SOOOOOOO MUCH TO ME AND NOT EATING TO GET THERE IS NOT STRANGE SO WHY SHOULD I BE MADE TO FEEL ABNORMAL JUST COS I'M TRYING TO BE STRONG AND RESIST THE TEMPTATIONS OF FOOD GRRRRRRR!!!

MY PARENTS!!!

CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAAAAAAAAAAP!!! My Mum found out I've been looking at pro-ana sites, she doesn't know what they are yet but she saw I'd been searching stuff about anorexia and she started asking me questions about it and saying "oh you'd never do stuff like that would you?". I lied my way out of it and said that it was just pop ups and not me searching and she believed it but now I'm worried she's going to be more suspicious. It's all too real now and I know I can't stop this. I've just got to be more careful and make sure I clear all the interent, history and search engine files after I've been on the net every single time. No forgetting or slacking because it could end up making it even harder for me to loose weight and achieve my goals.

You can never set your goals too high!

I've just realised that by setting my mini goal at 110lbs I am automatically setting myself up for failure because by setting such an easy goal it means i keep slacking and then... failing.

Sooooooo, this week I am setting my goal for 105lbs by next saturday because I have a bridesmaid dress fitting that day and I want to look less fat and sticky outy for when I try it on. As I said, I reached my goal and then started slacking so now I'm back up to 111lbs!

This is a pic of me now:

I'VE FINALLY DONE IT!!!

I don't think i've been on here for a few days so here's an update:

1. I went to a gig last night so I feel absolutely shattered!!!
2. I've been going for a 30 minute jog nearly everyday (except last night
3. I BROKE THE 112lb BARRIER!!!!
4. I'm now 109.5lbs

So here's my new stats:

Height: 5ft 5"
Weight: 109.5lbs
BMI: 18.2
Waist: 25"
Hips: 32"
Clothes size: 8 (UK)
Aim size: 4/6 (UK)
Aim weight: 98lbs
New Mini target: 105lbs
Pounds to go to mini target: 4.5lbs

I CAN'T GIVE UP NOW, I'VE GOT TO KEEP GOING, I CAN'T PUT ON ANY WEIGHT AGAIN AFTER ALL THIS ACHIEVEMENT!!! WISH ME LUCK!!!

Here's a thinspo video I did the other night to motivate me, it's my first ever youtube thinsperation:

Weekends

Weekends have always been hard for me. This weekend for example, I went to a party vowing not to eat anything or drink alcohol and I think I probably ate and drunk just about everything I could get my hands on!!! It's like, at the weekends, ana switches herself off and I ignore all her threats of making me fat therefore this weekend alone I put on 4 pounds!!! I felt discusted in myself yesterday and vowed to start again today. So I'm determined to yet again try to reach my 110lb mini mini goal. Today so far i've had a small carrot and been on a 30 minute run. My stomach is rumbling like crazy right now but I'm going to stay strong and anyway I like the feeling of my belly rumbling, it feels like I've achived something. I've got to try two times as much as I did last week this week If i want to get anywhere and I've definatly got to plan weekends and prepare myself for them a lot better then I have in the past to avoid the catastrophy of this weekend!

*Raise glass of water* To starting again!

The 112 Barrier!

No matter how hard I try I still haven't managed to break the 112lb barrier, I can't get any lower then that and it's really getting me down. I have a picture I took of myself to keep me going and I'm going to put it up now, I want my bones to start to show more so seeing this fatness covering them, will hopefully motivate me!

I've also collected some thinsperation quotes, which I thought were pretty inspiring, they will hopefully help me try harder and break the 122 barrier!!! (there are quite a few there though!)

“Chew gum and hold out till breakfast.”

“You’ll get used to it, once you start loosing.”

“If I eat anything, I'll eat everything, so I eat nothing.” (this one is so true when it comes to me!)

“The only freedom left is the freedom to starve”

“Eat less, weigh less”

“Extra pounds are the penalty I pay for overdrawing my calories chequebook.”

“Giving in to food shows weakness. Be strong and you will be better than everyone else.”

“A flat stomach is nice, but a concave one is perfect.”

“You aren't defeated when you lose, your only defeated when you quit!”

“Every calorie you eat equals another step toward destruction.”

“Do not give up on what you want most, for what you want at the moment.”

“Food is the drug we all must quit.”

“Those bones don't mean I'm skinny, they mean there's more to lose.”

“Ask me to show you perfect and I will show you a thin person.”

“Starving is not pain, it's the cure.”

“What the scale says is the most important thing.”

“Being thin and not eating are signs of true willpower and success.”

“The difference between want and need is self control.”

“Stop poisoning your body with food.”

“I strive for perfection, I drive myself on that. My dream may be far off, but each kilo that falls off, I am one step closer than before. Knowing I am getting closer, gives me energy to keep going. So I do not give up.”

“Every time I have the opportunity to eat, I have the strength to refuse.”

“Don't eat anything today that you'll regret tomorrow.”

“Everything I want to be, I am, only buried under a layer of fat.”

“My scale is never happy, neither am I.”

“Eat to live, don't live to eat.”

“I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.”

“Just say no and keep your mouth closed.”

“What's in your fingers today is on your hips tomorrow.”

“Happy or sad, rich or poor, its better being thin.”

“Don't let today’s moment forsake tomorrows dream.”

“Being thin is more important that being healthy.”

I'm going to bed now, wish me luck for my second week!

End of the first week!

Hiya, it's now been one week since I started this blog and I now weigh 112 pounds (exactly 8 stone) and i've got till tomorrow to loose 2pounds. I've just been running up and down my two flights of stairs from the bottom floor to the attic for about half an hour and I guess i feel a bit better, i am going to go and check my weight. For reference, here's my current stats.

Weight: 112 lbs
Waist: 26"
Hips 32"
Clothes size: 8 (UK)
Aim weight: 98 lbs
Aim waist: 24"
Aim hips: 30"

If anyone reads this and wants a friend to help motivate them dieting, then just e-mail me (flaco_deseo@hotmail.co.uk), it doesn't matter how far away you live or your age because I really need someone who knows how i feel to help keep me going!

Feeling fresh!

Hey, today didn't go as well as I expected, I ate around 400kcals and tried to purge for the first time in my life but it didn't work but today's a new day and I still lost some weight even though I ate! I took the morning off this morning cos I had this humongous migraine but I feel so much better from the extra sleep and I'm raring to go! I won't be home from college till 6pm tonight because I'm going to walk which is good because home is the only place I'm tempted to eat. Then when I get home I've got plenty of things to keep me busy. I'm going to watch a film and then I've got enough homework to keep me going all night! I've already made my dinner and put it in the fridge for so that I'm not tempted to cook pasta or something like that which has tones of calories in it. I've got one carrot, a tiny bit of red pepper and some cucumber, hopefully that will help me get my weight down a bit more. My aim for Saturday is to be 7Stone 12lbs. When I get to there I will be more motivated to get lower to my ultimate goal.

Mondays...

I don't know why but Monday's are always the worst day for me, I always overeat on Mondays. Today I had at least 750 kcals and I feel totally disgusted in myself, no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get below 8 stone, I'm unbearably fat, it's so repulsive, no wonder no one likes me! Today's been kinda stressy, I had lessons in the morning and then ever since I got home I've been on and off doing my English essay on Shakespeare's "Much Ado about Nothing", I know if I don't get an A I'll feel like a big fat failure but I still can't concentrate on it, it's due in tomorrow and I'm not even half way through it! I don't know what to write because everything I write I think it'll be wrong and I won't get good grades, what makes it worse is that it's worth 30% of my AS grade!!! I really hope things go well but I've got this action plan for tomorrow to detox my body of all the shit I've been eating the past few days which might help me concentrate a bit better on school.

Here it goes:

Breakfast: Cup of tea
Lunch: Water and gum
Dinner/snacks: Cup of tea, 2 small carrots and 10 raisins, water.

I hope that regulates my weight a bit, my mini goal at the moment is to reach 7stone 7lbs, then after that, 7stone, then 6stone 9lbs then 6stone 4lbs then 6stone and then I think thing's will be better and I'll definatly be much happier and in control.

My Thinsperation...

These are some of the pics that inspire me to keep going when things get tough, they inspire me to be thin. These woman are so lucky, they have control and power!

How it all started...

Heya! I've decided to make a blog of my "ana life" because things haven't been going too well lately. As they say things can only get worse before they get better and ever since I started college life's got a whole lot harder along with my ana thoughts. My drive for thin started at about age 14 at the beginning of year 10 (9th grade (i think) for all you Americans), I guess that was when i first stated to madly crush on this random guy and i became more aware of my body and what people thought of me.

I WAS fat, I'm not just saying that like all these people saying oh no I'm 100 pounds and 5ft 6" and I'm so fat, i actually was fat and when i had the crush i really thought i needed to do something about my weight. I'd always been bullied and i think that my weight has always been the main cause of this bullying, the result - I had zero confidence. By this point i was so depressed, I'd had enough, i started to self harm - it helped... but the control over food started to help even more.

My dieting started off relatively healthily, I'd have fruit for lunch, less for lunch (e.g. half a sandwich instead of a whole one) and I wouldn't have dessert at dinner, then as i felt more and more in control I gradually, over about a month, stopped breakfast, lunch and then finally I'd go a few days each week without dinner. And you know what, it payed off - I lost about 1 and a half stone and weighed 8st 7lbs (which probably sounds like a lot to anas) but i was proud of it after so many years of being fat, the problem was that now i had developed a fear of food, i felt sick at even the thought of it and linked it with being fat and being bullied.

Now I'd lost weight I actually started to get noticed, I got asked out by 2 different guys and the bullying stopped. Then came along a special guy who I fell in love with. I found it hard to trust people after being let down by so many people all my life, but this guy was different, i could trust him and he made me happy. He didn't know about my obsession with food and weight and just thought i just didn't have a big appetite when i didn't eat in public or around him until one day he confronted me with it. He asked me why I never ate around him and I cracked, i told him everything and he totally understood, he didn't force me to eat or anything and for about a month we'd have little moments where we'd just talk about my fear of food and bullying, he understood because he'd been bullied too.

I started to feel better about myself and slowly the ana thoughts began to drift away. I still had my moments which sometimes annoyed my bf and sometimes when he worried about me not eating, he'd cut up an apple or something and he'd sit for up to 2 hours with me waiting for me to eat it, not giving up even though I'd be really harsh and shout at him and tell him to "f off". It wasn't me telling him, it was ana controlling me and I couldn't help it, he knew this so it didn't upset him and his perseverance payed off, i got better and after a year of fighting, food didn't control my life. I was happy, confident, had friends and was healthy. At my worse stage of ana, I borderlined at underweight but with my bf's help I put on weight and I stayed at a steady 8 1/2 stone up till i turned 16 years old...

Then i started college, my bf moved house so it was harder to meet up, he went to college to study engineering and i was stuck at the same school studying A-levels, we were still together but i didn't have the constant support and lovely hugs :). Starting A-levels was hard work, coursework was constant and i couldn't keep up with it (i still can't) and for me, being a perfectionist is important, if i can't do something perfectly then i get very very stressed. This new situation and lack of support has made me think back to the control I had had 2 years back and my thin thoughts are back.

I've started dieting again and recently went 2 days in a row without any food at all. Eating or feeling full makes me feel disgusting and I have dropped 7lbs in the past week meaning I am back at the stage of being borderline underweight, I feel in control again and inside i am laughing at my teachers because i may be doing crappy in school but at least i can do something they can't! Looking at people eating makes me feel happy cos i know i don't have to do it and i don't need to do it. I'm making this blog as a diary of a life with the thoughts of how much i want to be thin. My aim at the moment is to reach 7stone. I am going to be a bridesmaid in January and I want to be a lot less fat for then. I can fit into a size 6 (american size 2) just about at the moment and I want the size 6 to be loose on me my Christmas! Wish me luck!!!