How it all started...

Heya! I've decided to make a blog of my "ana life" because things haven't been going too well lately. As they say things can only get worse before they get better and ever since I started college life's got a whole lot harder along with my ana thoughts. My drive for thin started at about age 14 at the beginning of year 10 (9th grade (i think) for all you Americans), I guess that was when i first stated to madly crush on this random guy and i became more aware of my body and what people thought of me.

I WAS fat, I'm not just saying that like all these people saying oh no I'm 100 pounds and 5ft 6" and I'm so fat, i actually was fat and when i had the crush i really thought i needed to do something about my weight. I'd always been bullied and i think that my weight has always been the main cause of this bullying, the result - I had zero confidence. By this point i was so depressed, I'd had enough, i started to self harm - it helped... but the control over food started to help even more.

My dieting started off relatively healthily, I'd have fruit for lunch, less for lunch (e.g. half a sandwich instead of a whole one) and I wouldn't have dessert at dinner, then as i felt more and more in control I gradually, over about a month, stopped breakfast, lunch and then finally I'd go a few days each week without dinner. And you know what, it payed off - I lost about 1 and a half stone and weighed 8st 7lbs (which probably sounds like a lot to anas) but i was proud of it after so many years of being fat, the problem was that now i had developed a fear of food, i felt sick at even the thought of it and linked it with being fat and being bullied.

Now I'd lost weight I actually started to get noticed, I got asked out by 2 different guys and the bullying stopped. Then came along a special guy who I fell in love with. I found it hard to trust people after being let down by so many people all my life, but this guy was different, i could trust him and he made me happy. He didn't know about my obsession with food and weight and just thought i just didn't have a big appetite when i didn't eat in public or around him until one day he confronted me with it. He asked me why I never ate around him and I cracked, i told him everything and he totally understood, he didn't force me to eat or anything and for about a month we'd have little moments where we'd just talk about my fear of food and bullying, he understood because he'd been bullied too.

I started to feel better about myself and slowly the ana thoughts began to drift away. I still had my moments which sometimes annoyed my bf and sometimes when he worried about me not eating, he'd cut up an apple or something and he'd sit for up to 2 hours with me waiting for me to eat it, not giving up even though I'd be really harsh and shout at him and tell him to "f off". It wasn't me telling him, it was ana controlling me and I couldn't help it, he knew this so it didn't upset him and his perseverance payed off, i got better and after a year of fighting, food didn't control my life. I was happy, confident, had friends and was healthy. At my worse stage of ana, I borderlined at underweight but with my bf's help I put on weight and I stayed at a steady 8 1/2 stone up till i turned 16 years old...

Then i started college, my bf moved house so it was harder to meet up, he went to college to study engineering and i was stuck at the same school studying A-levels, we were still together but i didn't have the constant support and lovely hugs :). Starting A-levels was hard work, coursework was constant and i couldn't keep up with it (i still can't) and for me, being a perfectionist is important, if i can't do something perfectly then i get very very stressed. This new situation and lack of support has made me think back to the control I had had 2 years back and my thin thoughts are back.

I've started dieting again and recently went 2 days in a row without any food at all. Eating or feeling full makes me feel disgusting and I have dropped 7lbs in the past week meaning I am back at the stage of being borderline underweight, I feel in control again and inside i am laughing at my teachers because i may be doing crappy in school but at least i can do something they can't! Looking at people eating makes me feel happy cos i know i don't have to do it and i don't need to do it. I'm making this blog as a diary of a life with the thoughts of how much i want to be thin. My aim at the moment is to reach 7stone. I am going to be a bridesmaid in January and I want to be a lot less fat for then. I can fit into a size 6 (american size 2) just about at the moment and I want the size 6 to be loose on me my Christmas! Wish me luck!!!