Another poem.

The sun.
It's rays.
It's swords.
Piercing thoughts.
Burning.
Lifes heat and lifes pain.
And the cracks of the parched ground...
Groan.
Each are a thousand minds.
Each mind a thousand thoughts.
All waiting to be quenched.
Fixed.
Freed into spoken word.
But the sun carries on beaming.
As more and more pain fills the cracks.
Are we destined to be trapped in natures prison?
Or is there hope...
For someday it will rain.

New start!

I walked for 25 miles yesterday which I am pretty proud of (and it was so much fun) but I ate lots of cake and carbs. I was 128lbs this morning.
I've just started writing a new meal plan based on 800 calories a day. It's actually quite a decent amount of food if you think about it and calculate it carefully.
For example, here is my plan for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week:


I have 30g porridge with 20g protein powder added every morning (made with water) which is 180 calories.

Then for lunch I'll have a quorn chicken sandwich or cream cheese salad sandwich which is 210 calories. With that I'll have some fruit (not banana) equalling 40-70 calories and sometimes some salad type things (e.g. celery, cherry tomatos, bell peppers etc, about 20-30 calories).

Then dinners I can pretty much adapt most things to (I'm a vegetarian so the calorie content of meat is not an issue although I pretty much avoid cheese as it takes up too many of my calories).

Monday - 2 quorn sausages, 100g instant mashed potato with spring onion mixed in, 80g mixed vegetables (224 calories), soya vanilla desert (100 calories), 100g frozen grapes (60 calories).

Tuesday - Potato and egg salad (supermarket bought = 173 calories), french fries (or any other low calorie crisps = 97 calories), fat free rasberry yogurt (77).

Wednesday - Ratatouille (164), 100g cucumber sticks (10), soya vanilla desert (100), 100g frozen grapes (60).

My goal for this week is to be 120/122 by next sunday (2nd May 2010).

Oh and exercise will consist of (depending on time as I have A LOT of other social commitments and revision for summer exams): 1-2 hour gym workouts x 3 or 4 a week, 30-45 minutes of swimming x3-5 a week, 2 hours ice skating once a week, 30 minute runs x2-4 per week, other sports/activities i.e. climbing/training (usually 2-4 hours) = once a week.

That's actually quite a lot of exercise - it equals to a minimum of 9.5 hours per week and doesn't include my 5-10 mile walks which add another 1-2 hours per day. So this week I'm going to be exercising at least 2/3 hours per day, PHEW! Oh and I'm going yo try out an exercise to music class this week (i.e. aerobics) to replace the gym sometimes in order to get a bit more variety.

Wish me luck!

The rollercoaster of insanity.

Not done too well the last few days. Got down 124.8 on wednesday (21st) but wednesday was a right mess when it came to sticking to 1000 calories. So yesterday I went back up 2lbs to 127, then I tried to stick to 800 calories that day but ended up going out for a meal with friends with chocolate and yogurt afterwards when I got home. The only reason I was not more then 127 this morning is because I did a sh*t load of exercise yesterday. So yeah, 127 this morning, since then have eaten around 850 calories (FAIL). I'm going to the gym now, then studying, then going out where I will probably drink a lot but also dance a lot and walk a lot. I reckon I'll burn about 300-400 in the gym (with an additional 150 walking to the gym). That accounts for around 60-70% of what I've eaten already. So I think it'll be fine (unless I eat again...).

Diet for life.

My weight went up to 128lbs over the Easter holidays and since then I've started a new diet/lifestyle. Since Tuesday, I have been trying to stick to 1000 calories per day, including lots of fruit and vegetables. I've only managed to stick to this goal once (on the first day) but have been to the gym 3 times, swum twice and have walked at least 5 miles each day except for today. In 5 days I have lost 3lbs and am now 125lbs. I start back at uni tomorrow and am going to be revising in the library (exams in June) which is perfectly situated next to the gym, I am also more determined then ever (after seeing myself in a pair of shorts) that I will stick to 1,000 calories or less each day).

I've realised now to my horror that none of my lovely summer clothes from last year fit me anymore (they are mainly size 6, 2 size 4's and some size 8 - American 2's, 0's and 4's respectively). So the goal now promarily is to fit comfortably into them (without bulging out everywhere like a whale). I reckon that gives me a absolute minimum goal of 112lbs but the ultimate goal would be to get back down to 105lbs before I go on hoiday in August.

Oh and I've placed a (kind of) bet with a friend that if I get stronger (muscles) then in 2 months time (after exams). I can go on this adventure trip with him (aparently I'm not strong enough to do it yet). But being a determined and competitive person, I've decided to take it really seriously and work out harder at the gym (on weights as well as the cardio I already do) and go swimming more often. And I'm going to get some protein powder as it'll be hard to get enough protein to build muscle on 1,000 calories without such supplements (in my opinion). Without the powder, I reckon I get around 36-40g of protein on 1,000 calories which is ideal for someone of my gender, age and weight. Except, if I want to build muscle the powder will give me at least an extra 20-40g of protein each day (depending on how much I consume/what powder I buy) which will help muscle building and recovery during and after exercise. This is UTTER determination :D

Anyway, as I was saying, I think this is a much healthier way of going about loosing weight and even though I'm the heaviest I've ever been since I was 14, I can tell that all the exercise I've been going has caused my body shape to be different from the last time I was fat. I can safely say that at 125lbs I have a fairly flat stomach (although it still rolls) and I've had compliments on my boobs since gaining weight (that's men for you). The only way I'll know I'm progressing though is when I can fit into my 2009 shorts and dresses (which I adore and absolutely do not want to give away). So I have no choice in the matter, either lose weight or wear baggy long tops and leggings all summer (the only things that fit me). It's quite depressing but I'm trying to be positive about it otherwise I'll end up comfort eating again and only making it worse.

I know that some of my male friends think I look better at this weight and I have been getting more male attention in general. However, Ana doesn't care what anyone else thinks, the goal is a selfish one. I want to be thin.
The ironic thing is that part of me knows that guys like curvier woman and I crave a relationship. The delight at spending time together, laughing and having secret jokes. Yet I'm so preoccupied by my weight and seem to be so scared of getting close and intimate with people. Hence why I have so many male friends - it's not that they're not there or that I can't talk to them. I'm just the joker of the group - the friend but never the best friend. Which is fine... sometimes. I mean, I do love having lots of friends but it would be nice to have that special someone one day who I don't emotionally push away. There is someone who I feel absolutely like I'd want to be close or intimate with one minute and the next minute the idea discusts me (not because of him but because of... well I haven't quite worked that one out yet).

He's got a girlfriend now but I'm still struggling with making my mind up about him. I can safely say he is a good friend of mine but I want more then that, if not with him then with somebody else, even if it's not going to be forever. I know I'll find my soul mate one day but for now it would be nice to have relationship or a definate best friend where feelings are known and mutual. Hmmm.... this blog has changed subject quite dramatically but it's definatly helped me to write all this down, I've discovered things that I've felt unsure about which I'm sure are obvious (if you've read this far).

Comments/advice would be good, thanks :-)