Back home.

I got back home yesterday, it was awesome to see my family again after 2 months but since I got home I've just not stopped eating. I'm feeling really miserable and extremely fat, I'm actually embarrassed to go out of the door. Tomorrow, I've got to visit where I used to work and I'm dreading them seeing how fat I've got over the last 6 months, it's so humiliating that my loss of control over myself and my life is so obvious. Argh!
I've decided that it's probably best to cut down my calories slowly so that tomorrow I'm going to eat 600 calories (yes I know that's a lot) but I feel so guilty about the amount I've eaten today that I can't help but do lots of exercise tomorrow so burn what I do eat off. A 4.5 mile run, 30 mins of step, a 2 mile walk and lots of sit ups, squats and push-ups (more if I need it).
I'm going to have a look on the net for some diet pills, I don't have the money for them as I'm an unemployed student, living off a government loan but I've got to the stage where I'm that desperate. I'm so fat now that my mum no longer asks me whether I've eaten or worries that I do too much exercise. I hate myself.

Half Ana, Half Rose.

Fuck it. I've decided on what I'm allowed to eat. And as much as I hate myself and feel discusting, I will let you know my weight. I'm just hoping that everything will be okay as the pounds melt away. I don't have a goal weight, I guess I just want to get to the weight I easily maintatined for 2 years before university (105lbs) and then maybe more but I'm not going to write specific numbers -
1. because I don't feel that this is my decision - I wish ana wasn't here but my mind is too weak to not give in to her and join pro-ana again.
2. because I feel like giving myself goals might set me up for failure.

Current weight: 122.6lbs (my highest weight in about 3 years - DISCUSTING)
Lowest weight: 97lbs
Height: 5ft 5"
BMI: 20.4

Diet =
Breakfast: Cup of tea with sweeteners, 2 dried dates.
Lunch: 1 can of soup (under 100kcal) or 2 powdered soups (under 60kcal).
Snack: Cup of tea with sweeteners, 2 dried dates.
Dinner: Cup of tea with sweeteners, 2 dried dates.
LOTS of water.
Diet coke and more tea if I need it (the sweeteners are calorie free by the way).

I hope to get some followers soon, when I first started this blog it was more of a diary but now I don't mind sharing so much so feel free to follow my weight loss, comment, ask questions, whatever...

It gets worse before it gets better?

It's been nearly 2 weeks since my last post. It's been great socially, I've been out with several groups of friends, drinking and partying lots. It's just, this thing inside my head keeps on growing and growing and things are getting so much worse. I know that if it gets much worse I'll stop going out with my friends - I already think about cancelling every time I have to figure out what to wear on my discusting self. I keep trying to restrict but always fail. I've just eaten 4 cookies and some chips and feel sick... I repulse myself. It's now getting to the stage where all I wear is baggy clothing to cover up my fat and even if I'm on my own I find it hard to wear just a t-shirt and not have huge jumpers covering me because I hate my body so much.
I just wish I could be like I was the last 2 years, maintaining a weight of around 105lbs and feeling happy with the way I looked most of the time, eating a sensible amount without thinking about/craving food too much. I still don't have a goal weight, all I know is that I want to lose weight and lose weight and lose weight until this intense pressure in my head lets up and allows me to just live my life. Please?

The last 2 years!

Heya!



So it's been a while and since I am in a good mood and have had a good day so far today I think it's probably time to update you all on the last two years and explain why I am back!



Well, as you can see if you look back in my blog, my blogging ended fairly abruptly although this definatly was not the end of my eating disorder. It carried on for agonising 3 months when suddenly (my memories from around that time are quite foggy) things got better! Literally, one day I was in a really good mood so decided that I could cope with eating a slice of toast for breakfast - I remember finding it difficult but within a few hours I was fine so decided to eat lunch and again was fine a few hours later. I obvioulsy still wasn't eating a healthy amount of food but it gave me so much energy and I began to feel even more positive, especially as I found I could eat more and stay between 103-106lbs.

After a few weeks and a few thoughts of relapse I felt that I was beginning to escape from Ana and made an immense effort to avoid going back to just 200 calories a day which was what I was sticking to most days before. For around 2 years I ate breakfast and a large lunch every day, maintained my weight and felt ten times better. Of course I had down days and even down weeks - in fact I went through another period of depression around winter 08 which was very tough and very isolating. I even relapsed briefly after suffering a winter stomach virus and got to 97lbs before managing to pull myself out of my ed trance.

Now when I look back, even though I'm relapsing now, I still feel that Ana had an intense grip on me throughout those two years. I remember still having rules such as not eating after 5pm and only eating two times per day (however large or small the meal was) unless I exercised or was working then I allowed a snack. I remember one time I went on a week long summer school where I didn't have access to a scale (I still weighed myself obessesively) and knew I would be provided with three meals a day. I therefore paniced and survived off a small slice of toast, a green side salad and half of my dinner (supplemented with lots of diet coke) each day and lost 3lbs in that week due to the intense level of control I exerted over myself that week. Of course, over time I managed to relax and sometimes disobeyed these rules but the feeling of such pride at maintaining a low weight made me extremely controlling over food and eating which effects all aspects of my life to this day.

Finally I would like to talk about where I am now. As you may realise from reading my previous posts or profile, I am now nearly 19 years old and am studying at university. When I first started I had quite a tough time settling in and didn't get on well with my flat mates. The first two weeks were spent going out clubbing a lot which I soon realised was not for me (after repeatedly having sweaty drunk men attempting to "touch me up"). This gave me a negative view of student life and I missed home immensely. Soon however, I'd joined several societies and started meeting people I could relate to and had several crushes on guys (who are now my best friends haha!). My the end of the first semester I was feeling happier yet still inadequate about not having reached the high but unknown expectation for what my university experience would be like and without a scale to keep track of my weight I began to eat a lot more out of comfort in down periods and started taking laxatives in the worry that this would lead to weight gain. When I returned home for the christmas holidays I was 116lbs and not feeling great about my body and the loss of control that had occured.

I didn't manage to lose the weight over the holidays and came back after christmas with my scales and a refreshed determination to return to 108lbs (which is what I was at the start of my first time). However, after a few weeks of maintaining 116lbs, I made even more friends and started feeling pretty great. My eating habits varied greatly depending on my mood but overall I relaxed a lot and put on another 4lbs. There is now just over a week to go untill the end of my second semester and the past 2/3 weeks I have been feeling Ana and depression slowly creeping up on me and my conscience. She has almost got me back for now I detest my body. In the last week, everyday I have spent thinking about how I can eat less and exercise more but have failed to lose any weight. I know it's only a matter of time before Ana forces me out of trying to eat healthily into a world of over exercising and living off extemely low numbers of calories once more. I really don't want this to happen yet unlike when Ana first came into my life, I feel I have no choice. I have gained so much at university - friends, confidence, experience and an array of new hobbies and interests. I know that this will be extremely hard to hold on to if Ana does consume me but as I said I don't know if this will get better or worse.

Thanks for reading, Rose xxx

I am back.

This is a poem I wrote today:

This is the beginning.
A new era.
A new journey.
But I have been here before Ana.
And I escaped.
You're taking me again Ana.
Taing away my life. My mind. Me.

What should I do Ana?
I am starting to despise myself.
Just as you wish.
Then you can take me.
Break me down.

My smile starts to fade.
This is the end.