A healthier attitude?

Hello,

I just read back through my blog and so thought I'd do a little update. I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last wrote, it's ridiculous and so much has changed. I've now been in a relationship for the last 4 months and for some reason it has taken my focus off dieting. All through the summer I was working on sticking to 1000 calories a day and was quite successful, getting down to 119lbs at one point, I had lots of ups and downs (which anyone who knows what I'm talking about will get that it's very hard to explain). Now however I'm back up to around 126lbs and am staying there just through eating like a normal person, healthily but with treats every now and again (scrap that, I treat myself most days hehe). I go out, I drink lots and I enjoy myself. I suppose I've realised that that's what life is about and becoming curvier definitely hasn't dented my ability to make friends as I used to think it did, I'm actually more confident then ever. I'd perhaps like to work on getting my exercise back up a bit as I've been so busy to do any the last few months and I think the most realistic weight for me would be to maintain somewhere around 120lbs but I'm not going to put immense amounts of pressure on myself or make myself feel guilty if things take a bit of time. I'm looking for a new flat this week for my third year at university and am planning on going on a trek around Iceland in the summer.

So here's to living my fucking life and moving on from the past (lets prey I don't write about extreme diets or weight loss on this blog anytime soon... or ever for that matter). I'll still update though :-)

Getting on with life.

I am supposed to be revising right now as my first year exams begin on Monday. However, I haven't updated in a while... so I thought I would.
Surprisingly I've not been feeling too stressed over my exams, of course I've had a few wobbly moments they have been resolved quite quickly with the use of friends, sleep and exercise :-) Also, I've come to the conclusion that my grades don't have to matter this year as I only have to get 40% to pass and none of my grades will go towards my final degree. This means I can simply start again next academic year, yaaaaay!

I went home this weekend (Friday till Tuesday) as it was my brother's 21st birthday. I was only home for 4 days but managed to put on the 2lbs that I'd spent the previous week loosing. Fortunately, two days after coming home and I'm back to the same weight that I was exactly a week ago (last Friday) of 125.2lbs.

I have accepted now that this weight loss is going to have to be slow and every week I feel stronger and able to resist the thoughts of self-hatred. I'm not quite there yet as I can't go clothes shopping without feeling like crying... or actually crying and I as much as I am looking forward to going home over summer, I am fearful that I will gain all the weight that I'm going to (hopefully) lose, I also spend a stupid amount of time comparing myself to other girls and trying to find the right clothes to cover my body every morning.

My Mum, saw how unhappy I was about my weight gain when we went shopping at the weekend and although she tells me she prefers me to be at the weight I am at now, I think she is finally beginning to understand and accept my desire to lose weight in order to feel comfortable within myself. She has therefore agreed to go on a diet with me when I come home mid-June which is making me feel less anxious about going home. She doesn't know I'm currently dieting or that I weigh 125lbs (she thinks I'm 120/122lbs as I feel so embarrassed to tell her the truth about my continued weight gain) and I've told her my plan will be based on 1500 calories, not the 800-1000 that I am on now (with exercise on top).

The plan is that she will only buy healthy foods so that she can lose 14lbs and I can reach 112lbs before we go on holiday in mid-August. She won't accept me getting any lower then 112lbs but I think I can cope with being that weight anyway. Hopefully I will be around 116lbs (maybe I'll even be 112!) when I go home as I am sure losing weight at home will be a lot slower then it already is as I won't be as busy as I am now and won't be doing as much natural exercise (e.g. walking up to 10miles as I don't have a car and can't afford the bus!).

So that gives me just over 4 weeks to lose 9lbs - about 2lbs a week which is reasonable as long as I can stop perpetually losing and gaining weight as that is just so frustrating! It's not like I'm gaining vast amounts and then loosing it quickly again, it's that +0.2lbs here +0.4lbs there that slows things down that bit more then it should. I've had just under 800 calories today (as I haven't done any exercise apart from a quick 1.5mile walk to the shops which is nothing). Who knows, maybe I'll break into the 124lbs mark tomorrow morning, that would be great!

Here's to a forgetting the past, looking to the future and having an awesome summer!

Another poem.

The sun.
It's rays.
It's swords.
Piercing thoughts.
Burning.
Lifes heat and lifes pain.
And the cracks of the parched ground...
Groan.
Each are a thousand minds.
Each mind a thousand thoughts.
All waiting to be quenched.
Fixed.
Freed into spoken word.
But the sun carries on beaming.
As more and more pain fills the cracks.
Are we destined to be trapped in natures prison?
Or is there hope...
For someday it will rain.

New start!

I walked for 25 miles yesterday which I am pretty proud of (and it was so much fun) but I ate lots of cake and carbs. I was 128lbs this morning.
I've just started writing a new meal plan based on 800 calories a day. It's actually quite a decent amount of food if you think about it and calculate it carefully.
For example, here is my plan for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week:


I have 30g porridge with 20g protein powder added every morning (made with water) which is 180 calories.

Then for lunch I'll have a quorn chicken sandwich or cream cheese salad sandwich which is 210 calories. With that I'll have some fruit (not banana) equalling 40-70 calories and sometimes some salad type things (e.g. celery, cherry tomatos, bell peppers etc, about 20-30 calories).

Then dinners I can pretty much adapt most things to (I'm a vegetarian so the calorie content of meat is not an issue although I pretty much avoid cheese as it takes up too many of my calories).

Monday - 2 quorn sausages, 100g instant mashed potato with spring onion mixed in, 80g mixed vegetables (224 calories), soya vanilla desert (100 calories), 100g frozen grapes (60 calories).

Tuesday - Potato and egg salad (supermarket bought = 173 calories), french fries (or any other low calorie crisps = 97 calories), fat free rasberry yogurt (77).

Wednesday - Ratatouille (164), 100g cucumber sticks (10), soya vanilla desert (100), 100g frozen grapes (60).

My goal for this week is to be 120/122 by next sunday (2nd May 2010).

Oh and exercise will consist of (depending on time as I have A LOT of other social commitments and revision for summer exams): 1-2 hour gym workouts x 3 or 4 a week, 30-45 minutes of swimming x3-5 a week, 2 hours ice skating once a week, 30 minute runs x2-4 per week, other sports/activities i.e. climbing/training (usually 2-4 hours) = once a week.

That's actually quite a lot of exercise - it equals to a minimum of 9.5 hours per week and doesn't include my 5-10 mile walks which add another 1-2 hours per day. So this week I'm going to be exercising at least 2/3 hours per day, PHEW! Oh and I'm going yo try out an exercise to music class this week (i.e. aerobics) to replace the gym sometimes in order to get a bit more variety.

Wish me luck!

The rollercoaster of insanity.

Not done too well the last few days. Got down 124.8 on wednesday (21st) but wednesday was a right mess when it came to sticking to 1000 calories. So yesterday I went back up 2lbs to 127, then I tried to stick to 800 calories that day but ended up going out for a meal with friends with chocolate and yogurt afterwards when I got home. The only reason I was not more then 127 this morning is because I did a sh*t load of exercise yesterday. So yeah, 127 this morning, since then have eaten around 850 calories (FAIL). I'm going to the gym now, then studying, then going out where I will probably drink a lot but also dance a lot and walk a lot. I reckon I'll burn about 300-400 in the gym (with an additional 150 walking to the gym). That accounts for around 60-70% of what I've eaten already. So I think it'll be fine (unless I eat again...).

Diet for life.

My weight went up to 128lbs over the Easter holidays and since then I've started a new diet/lifestyle. Since Tuesday, I have been trying to stick to 1000 calories per day, including lots of fruit and vegetables. I've only managed to stick to this goal once (on the first day) but have been to the gym 3 times, swum twice and have walked at least 5 miles each day except for today. In 5 days I have lost 3lbs and am now 125lbs. I start back at uni tomorrow and am going to be revising in the library (exams in June) which is perfectly situated next to the gym, I am also more determined then ever (after seeing myself in a pair of shorts) that I will stick to 1,000 calories or less each day).

I've realised now to my horror that none of my lovely summer clothes from last year fit me anymore (they are mainly size 6, 2 size 4's and some size 8 - American 2's, 0's and 4's respectively). So the goal now promarily is to fit comfortably into them (without bulging out everywhere like a whale). I reckon that gives me a absolute minimum goal of 112lbs but the ultimate goal would be to get back down to 105lbs before I go on hoiday in August.

Oh and I've placed a (kind of) bet with a friend that if I get stronger (muscles) then in 2 months time (after exams). I can go on this adventure trip with him (aparently I'm not strong enough to do it yet). But being a determined and competitive person, I've decided to take it really seriously and work out harder at the gym (on weights as well as the cardio I already do) and go swimming more often. And I'm going to get some protein powder as it'll be hard to get enough protein to build muscle on 1,000 calories without such supplements (in my opinion). Without the powder, I reckon I get around 36-40g of protein on 1,000 calories which is ideal for someone of my gender, age and weight. Except, if I want to build muscle the powder will give me at least an extra 20-40g of protein each day (depending on how much I consume/what powder I buy) which will help muscle building and recovery during and after exercise. This is UTTER determination :D

Anyway, as I was saying, I think this is a much healthier way of going about loosing weight and even though I'm the heaviest I've ever been since I was 14, I can tell that all the exercise I've been going has caused my body shape to be different from the last time I was fat. I can safely say that at 125lbs I have a fairly flat stomach (although it still rolls) and I've had compliments on my boobs since gaining weight (that's men for you). The only way I'll know I'm progressing though is when I can fit into my 2009 shorts and dresses (which I adore and absolutely do not want to give away). So I have no choice in the matter, either lose weight or wear baggy long tops and leggings all summer (the only things that fit me). It's quite depressing but I'm trying to be positive about it otherwise I'll end up comfort eating again and only making it worse.

I know that some of my male friends think I look better at this weight and I have been getting more male attention in general. However, Ana doesn't care what anyone else thinks, the goal is a selfish one. I want to be thin.
The ironic thing is that part of me knows that guys like curvier woman and I crave a relationship. The delight at spending time together, laughing and having secret jokes. Yet I'm so preoccupied by my weight and seem to be so scared of getting close and intimate with people. Hence why I have so many male friends - it's not that they're not there or that I can't talk to them. I'm just the joker of the group - the friend but never the best friend. Which is fine... sometimes. I mean, I do love having lots of friends but it would be nice to have that special someone one day who I don't emotionally push away. There is someone who I feel absolutely like I'd want to be close or intimate with one minute and the next minute the idea discusts me (not because of him but because of... well I haven't quite worked that one out yet).

He's got a girlfriend now but I'm still struggling with making my mind up about him. I can safely say he is a good friend of mine but I want more then that, if not with him then with somebody else, even if it's not going to be forever. I know I'll find my soul mate one day but for now it would be nice to have relationship or a definate best friend where feelings are known and mutual. Hmmm.... this blog has changed subject quite dramatically but it's definatly helped me to write all this down, I've discovered things that I've felt unsure about which I'm sure are obvious (if you've read this far).

Comments/advice would be good, thanks :-)

Back home.

I got back home yesterday, it was awesome to see my family again after 2 months but since I got home I've just not stopped eating. I'm feeling really miserable and extremely fat, I'm actually embarrassed to go out of the door. Tomorrow, I've got to visit where I used to work and I'm dreading them seeing how fat I've got over the last 6 months, it's so humiliating that my loss of control over myself and my life is so obvious. Argh!
I've decided that it's probably best to cut down my calories slowly so that tomorrow I'm going to eat 600 calories (yes I know that's a lot) but I feel so guilty about the amount I've eaten today that I can't help but do lots of exercise tomorrow so burn what I do eat off. A 4.5 mile run, 30 mins of step, a 2 mile walk and lots of sit ups, squats and push-ups (more if I need it).
I'm going to have a look on the net for some diet pills, I don't have the money for them as I'm an unemployed student, living off a government loan but I've got to the stage where I'm that desperate. I'm so fat now that my mum no longer asks me whether I've eaten or worries that I do too much exercise. I hate myself.