Reached my first goal... again!

Hey,

I've reached my mini-goal of 105lbs (7stone 7lbs) but I don't feel good, my weight needs to be a lot lower and I'm feeling a bit depressed about it so I thought I'd write about it on my blog.

I met up today with my ex-boyfriend today to just talk and go over some issues we have with eachother and he finally apologised for cheating on me, i know he regrets it and he still loves me but what he's done can never be repaired. Anyway, we kinda made up and I guess we're friends now but i don't know if that was the right thing to do. All my mates said don't ever forgive him and then say oh go along with what you thinks right so I get really confused and to be honest he was my best friend before all this shit happened and I didn't really have anyone else so I don't wan't to lose him and I haven't really completely forgiven him yet anyway. Sometimes I wish my friends would just not give me advice cos sometimes it just get's way to confusing.

Now going on to the food issue - my mum has noticed my weight loss even though I'm still huge but she's worrying about me cos she gets paranoyed about stuff so tonight I have to have dinner in front of her (so no cooking and throwing it away) - vegetarian curry which I won't enjoy because I know it'll make me put on weight however I have riden my bike today for about 30/40 minutes and I'm going swimming tonight before dinner so it shouldn't be too bad even though I'm still nervous and worrying about it already and it's at least another 3 hours untill dinner. Also, tomorrow I'm going to a gig and i'm queueing all day with my friends so I'll be able to avoid food completely all day which will make up for tonight. I'm actually so relieved about that because usually sunday is the worst day for me in terms of bingeing because my family gets together and has roast dinner which I usually can't escape from because I can't go in my bedroom and chew and spit it all and throw it down the toilet because I have to sit at the table. So I'm excited about the gig and it's got benefits for me as well although i will allow myself a cup of tea in the morning before I go and a can of diet coke which totals about 21 calories which isn't too bad and I'll work it all off at the gig with all the jumping up and down and the heat of it all.

Moving on, my next mini goal is 100lbs (7st 2lbs) and I'm hoping to reach that in about 2 weeks time - so, 5lbs in 2 weeks isn't too unreasonable I've just got to be extra strict and stop snacking on dried fruit which is my current addiction. I'm also going to have to think of some other tactics to avoid my mum's eye at home and avoid food completely.

I'll do another update on my stats in about a weeks time probably next friday (i think that's the 15th february). Hopefully by then I'll be about 102/103lbs and nearly reached my next goal!

1 month update!

Ok, so I haven't been on for over a month and there has been a reason to that and that was, I was determined not to write another blog until I'd reached my ultimate mini goal of 105lbs.

In fact a couple of weeks ago I reached 103lbs but the next day I felt so faint (having not eaten anything for 3 days) I had to eat and I ended up eating breakfast, lunch and dinner, seemingly normal to most people but my body just clung onto as much of it as possible and obviously I gained weight. I can't remember how much but I did manage to stabilise, get back on track and I've reached 105lbs another few times since then untill this weekend!

Anyway, this weekend, I ate... and ate... and ate and I got up to a discusting 110lbs! I've only eaten a few grapes today, and chewed and spat my dinner and I've managed to get down to 107lbs. I hope to stabilise at 104/105lbs by next tuesday and I'm on a almost starvation diet untill then. Hopefully not going above about 600kcals in 6days. The real trouble is that when I don't eat for days on end, and then force myself to eat or faint, I end up binging and putting on loads of weight. So basically this week, the challenge is to avoid binges. Typically my binge for one day would be roughly 1000-2000kcals depending on how bad I felt so you can see how badly that would affect my weight and horribly, fat too.

Anyway, in the last month, I also broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years, he was a bastard, cheated on me - but there you go, story of my life, I should never trust anyone, it always backfires. At least now I can focus on my goals without a watchful eye.

So... stats:

Weight: 107lbs
Target: 104lbs
By: Hopefully sunday, latest tuesday

Will update soon, happy dieting all!

Happy 2008 Everyone! Here's to going back to my diet!!!

Hiya, things have been a bit rocky lately with my family, there's no doubt my mum's noticed the fact I hardly eat anything and she had this big confrontational mother:daughter chat thing about it last night.

Sooooo... I put on this big cheary, "there's nothing wrong" face and said to her "yeah I know I haven't been eating very well and I don't think I'm fat and I want to eat more healthily for my new year's resolution and blah blah". So she felt a bit better but I know she's going to get a lot stricter with my eating and try to get me to eat with the family more often to I'm going to have to try to prove to her that there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm eating healthily and hopefully it will be easier to get my diet back to where I want it to be. I know this is going to mean cooking meals and throwing them away again which I hate doing because it wastes food but if it means my mum stops worrying then I'm going to have to do it!

Okay, well here are my stats:

Weight: 110 lbs (7stone 12lbs) - i was 108lbs yesterday but I ate loads at my aunt's house and put it back on again :(
BMI: 18.3
Waist: 25"
Hips: 31.5"
(I think those are my measurements but I can't be bothered to double check my diary)

Anyway, my plans for today are to go for a bike ride and study for my biology exam which is on the 15th January I think...

That's all really, Bye xxx

Christmas!

Hiya!

I had a great Christmas this year, I spent loads of time with my family playing games, sitting around the christmas tree and chatting and stuff and I really enjoyed myself. I also got some really cool presents e.g. an 80gb iPod, some new CD's, new books, bath stuff, Ugly Betty series 1 on DVD, jewellery and loads more random cool stuff!

So... the weight...

I have been a right fatty for the past 3 days so here are my current stats:

Current Weight: 112lbs
Gained: 4lbs
Lowest weight: 107lbs
Goal:105lbs

So I don't plan to eat today or tomorrow so get my weight back down to where it was before or even less and it's going to be really easy because even though I still have loads of temptation (i.e. all my christmas sweets/chocolates) I'm not actually hungry because of the amount I've eaten the past few days. To give you an idea I'll write roughly what I ate yesterday (boxing day spent with my family at my nanny and grandad's house) and a warning: it's NOT pretty! (in order throughout the day from 9am to 10pm)

• Piece of bread with low fat butter and jam.
• Handful of trail mix
• Roast dinner (Quorn chicken, veg and roast potatos/parsnips)
• Christmas pudding with double cream and brandy butter.
• Two ice-cream chocolates.
• Three pieces of fudge.
• One Chocolate biscuit.
• Two slices of cheese on toast.
• Four after 8 mints.

I told you it wasn't pretty and I probably ate more then that on christmas day!

So anyway, I have a bridesmaid dress fitting on saturday so I have to get back down to at least 110lbs by then to look even moderatly good in my dress because it's so tight like a corset, so you have to be stick thin to look nice in it and I'm no where near thin yet so yeah, I have to lose at least 2lbs in 2 days... easy right? So I'll probably loose more than that! Yay!

Crapiest week since starting this blog!

Seriously, I've put on all the weight I lost this past few weeks, I'm now back to 111lbs and I feel so fat and guilty and worthless, i made such an effort to get to my mini target of 105lbs and now I feel like I'm starting all over again. All this week I've been really bad with things like sweets, cakes and chocolate, you know... the stuff that makes you obese and it's really taken it's toll and made me loose focus on my goal. Also it's very near to christmas (only 3 days) and i'm pretty sure it's going to be pretty hard to even maintain my weight during a time when the world turns into glutenous pigs! I know I will probably be one of them.


Nevertheless I'm starting again today and so far I've eaten roughly 100kcals and I don't plan to eat anything else today (apart from maybe a few cups of tea). To take my mind off food and stuff though when I get back from work I'm making a list of things to do so that I have no time to eat anything!


5.30pm: Take a bath
6.30pm:Watch TV

Thereafter watching TV I can:

• Surf the internet


• Study Biology


• Finish photography folder work


• Write in my ana journal


• Look for constipation pills on net chemist (will need these over christmas if i cant make myself throw up)


• Look for new diet pills (find better ones then the hoodia ones i am currently using)


• Read a book.


• Draw some anime.


• Update my myspace/youtube/facebook accounts


• E-mail my pro-ana buddy! Updates, new goals etc


• Download some new music
• Listen to music
• Pamper myself, nails, make-up, moisture cream etc
  

I think that list will keep me going the whole evening then on saturday i'm going shopping with 2 of my friends so it will be easy to avoid food because they never question me when it comes to food, they haven't got a clue so it's all good. Hope I can get back down to atleast 107lbs if not 105 by christmas so if i put weight on it will be easier to get down to my targets again. Will hope to write a new post my christmas eve but may not be untill the 27th december. Wish me luck!

Part Time Job!

Hiya!

I've kinda got a temporary part time job now, It's helping out my Dad's friend with his business and I did some work for him over the summer holidays and I've now been offered some more casual work in my spare time so I'm here now in the office... writing in my blog lol! What's good about this job is that it keeps me busy and therefore keeps my mind off of food AND i earn money at the same time so it's really a WIN:WIN situation :D

Worry of the moment: My period has just come which means that
1. I just had a huge chocolate binge and the more serious situation
2. It wasn't really a period, it lasted just one day (yesterday) and was the tiniest smear of blood I've ever seen. So now I'm worried that my periods have stopped and I'm not sure what to do, i know really it means I should start eating properly and dare i say it, put some weight on but I'm so close to my target I just can't stop, I keep telling myself, "just 98lbs that's not too bad, not too unhealthy and I'll be thin and pretty and in control" but when your periods stop, it stops your bones from absorbing calcium and I don't wan osteoporosis or anything...

I know... I'll continue my diet until I get to my target weight (98lbs) then if my periods are still not happening then I'll try not to lose any more or something, but for now I'm just gonna look on some health sites or something to reassure myself that everything is okay...

Anyhow... My current stats:

Weight: 107lbs
BMI: 17.8 (apparently I'm underweight, what a load of bullshit!)
Waist: 24"
Hips: 30"
Bust (under boobs): 30"

Anyone wanna talk? : flaco_deseo@hotmail.co.uk

Family Dinner!

Update: I guess I've done okayish over the weekend, I haven't lost or gained any weight, still 108lbs but I still feel exactly as I did at 114lbs!!! I've lost 6lbs since then and still look like a whale, no one's noticed but that's a good thing cos no one will suspect a thing, and I can carry on in complete control and show them all how powerful I can be!

Anyway, I've managed to avoid eating dinner with my family for the past 2 weeks now so that I could pretend to make my own dinner or make dinner and throw it away but today it was one of my families birthday so it was too difficult to reject eating with them - here came my first test -trying to hide food in front of my family whilst trying to make them believe I was eating all of it.

To be honest it was quite easy, I wore a huge baggy jumper with a large double front pocket. The dinner was the hard part, I was really nervous because it was a HUGE dinner of battered fish, chips, peas and mushrooms, full of hundreds and hundreds of calories, not to mention FAT. Firstly I managed to get away with picking out the fish from the batter and giving the batter to my dad, there was hardly any fish and loads of batter so eating the fish wasn't too bad.

I ate all the peas and mushrooms because I figured they're just vegetables and can't harm me too much and whilst eating them as slow as I could I smuggled most of the chips into my front pocket, then I made an excuse that I was cold, went to get another jumper and threw away the chips (and believe me there were sooooo many chips, i think my mum gave me extra deliberatly). I had to eat about 3 chips in the process to make it less obvious to my parents though. So in total I can't have eaten more then about 200kcals - I HATE NOT KNOWING FOR CERTAIN!

Even though that's all I've eaten all day I feel reaaaaaalllly guilty and I honestly feel like I want to cry, I can't throw it up because I have a phoebia of puke so I don't know what to do, I HAVE to reach 105lbs by friday or i'll have to MAKE myself throw up or think of some kind of punishment for myself for being so fat and ugly and stupid! I can't believe I ate today when I was so ready to go without so easily and avoid tempataion. I feel like a failure but atleast I managed to get away with leaving most of the food and my parents don't suspect much, I just have to stay alert and aware of any dangers of my parents finding out about my diet and I should be able to reach my first major goal of 98lbs, HAHA I haven't even reached my mini-goal (105lbs) but by the end of this week I have to be and then only 7lbs to go! See you soon x