Getting on with life.

I am supposed to be revising right now as my first year exams begin on Monday. However, I haven't updated in a while... so I thought I would.
Surprisingly I've not been feeling too stressed over my exams, of course I've had a few wobbly moments they have been resolved quite quickly with the use of friends, sleep and exercise :-) Also, I've come to the conclusion that my grades don't have to matter this year as I only have to get 40% to pass and none of my grades will go towards my final degree. This means I can simply start again next academic year, yaaaaay!

I went home this weekend (Friday till Tuesday) as it was my brother's 21st birthday. I was only home for 4 days but managed to put on the 2lbs that I'd spent the previous week loosing. Fortunately, two days after coming home and I'm back to the same weight that I was exactly a week ago (last Friday) of 125.2lbs.

I have accepted now that this weight loss is going to have to be slow and every week I feel stronger and able to resist the thoughts of self-hatred. I'm not quite there yet as I can't go clothes shopping without feeling like crying... or actually crying and I as much as I am looking forward to going home over summer, I am fearful that I will gain all the weight that I'm going to (hopefully) lose, I also spend a stupid amount of time comparing myself to other girls and trying to find the right clothes to cover my body every morning.

My Mum, saw how unhappy I was about my weight gain when we went shopping at the weekend and although she tells me she prefers me to be at the weight I am at now, I think she is finally beginning to understand and accept my desire to lose weight in order to feel comfortable within myself. She has therefore agreed to go on a diet with me when I come home mid-June which is making me feel less anxious about going home. She doesn't know I'm currently dieting or that I weigh 125lbs (she thinks I'm 120/122lbs as I feel so embarrassed to tell her the truth about my continued weight gain) and I've told her my plan will be based on 1500 calories, not the 800-1000 that I am on now (with exercise on top).

The plan is that she will only buy healthy foods so that she can lose 14lbs and I can reach 112lbs before we go on holiday in mid-August. She won't accept me getting any lower then 112lbs but I think I can cope with being that weight anyway. Hopefully I will be around 116lbs (maybe I'll even be 112!) when I go home as I am sure losing weight at home will be a lot slower then it already is as I won't be as busy as I am now and won't be doing as much natural exercise (e.g. walking up to 10miles as I don't have a car and can't afford the bus!).

So that gives me just over 4 weeks to lose 9lbs - about 2lbs a week which is reasonable as long as I can stop perpetually losing and gaining weight as that is just so frustrating! It's not like I'm gaining vast amounts and then loosing it quickly again, it's that +0.2lbs here +0.4lbs there that slows things down that bit more then it should. I've had just under 800 calories today (as I haven't done any exercise apart from a quick 1.5mile walk to the shops which is nothing). Who knows, maybe I'll break into the 124lbs mark tomorrow morning, that would be great!

Here's to a forgetting the past, looking to the future and having an awesome summer!

Another poem.

The sun.
It's rays.
It's swords.
Piercing thoughts.
Burning.
Lifes heat and lifes pain.
And the cracks of the parched ground...
Groan.
Each are a thousand minds.
Each mind a thousand thoughts.
All waiting to be quenched.
Fixed.
Freed into spoken word.
But the sun carries on beaming.
As more and more pain fills the cracks.
Are we destined to be trapped in natures prison?
Or is there hope...
For someday it will rain.

New start!

I walked for 25 miles yesterday which I am pretty proud of (and it was so much fun) but I ate lots of cake and carbs. I was 128lbs this morning.
I've just started writing a new meal plan based on 800 calories a day. It's actually quite a decent amount of food if you think about it and calculate it carefully.
For example, here is my plan for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week:


I have 30g porridge with 20g protein powder added every morning (made with water) which is 180 calories.

Then for lunch I'll have a quorn chicken sandwich or cream cheese salad sandwich which is 210 calories. With that I'll have some fruit (not banana) equalling 40-70 calories and sometimes some salad type things (e.g. celery, cherry tomatos, bell peppers etc, about 20-30 calories).

Then dinners I can pretty much adapt most things to (I'm a vegetarian so the calorie content of meat is not an issue although I pretty much avoid cheese as it takes up too many of my calories).

Monday - 2 quorn sausages, 100g instant mashed potato with spring onion mixed in, 80g mixed vegetables (224 calories), soya vanilla desert (100 calories), 100g frozen grapes (60 calories).

Tuesday - Potato and egg salad (supermarket bought = 173 calories), french fries (or any other low calorie crisps = 97 calories), fat free rasberry yogurt (77).

Wednesday - Ratatouille (164), 100g cucumber sticks (10), soya vanilla desert (100), 100g frozen grapes (60).

My goal for this week is to be 120/122 by next sunday (2nd May 2010).

Oh and exercise will consist of (depending on time as I have A LOT of other social commitments and revision for summer exams): 1-2 hour gym workouts x 3 or 4 a week, 30-45 minutes of swimming x3-5 a week, 2 hours ice skating once a week, 30 minute runs x2-4 per week, other sports/activities i.e. climbing/training (usually 2-4 hours) = once a week.

That's actually quite a lot of exercise - it equals to a minimum of 9.5 hours per week and doesn't include my 5-10 mile walks which add another 1-2 hours per day. So this week I'm going to be exercising at least 2/3 hours per day, PHEW! Oh and I'm going yo try out an exercise to music class this week (i.e. aerobics) to replace the gym sometimes in order to get a bit more variety.

Wish me luck!

The rollercoaster of insanity.

Not done too well the last few days. Got down 124.8 on wednesday (21st) but wednesday was a right mess when it came to sticking to 1000 calories. So yesterday I went back up 2lbs to 127, then I tried to stick to 800 calories that day but ended up going out for a meal with friends with chocolate and yogurt afterwards when I got home. The only reason I was not more then 127 this morning is because I did a sh*t load of exercise yesterday. So yeah, 127 this morning, since then have eaten around 850 calories (FAIL). I'm going to the gym now, then studying, then going out where I will probably drink a lot but also dance a lot and walk a lot. I reckon I'll burn about 300-400 in the gym (with an additional 150 walking to the gym). That accounts for around 60-70% of what I've eaten already. So I think it'll be fine (unless I eat again...).

Diet for life.

My weight went up to 128lbs over the Easter holidays and since then I've started a new diet/lifestyle. Since Tuesday, I have been trying to stick to 1000 calories per day, including lots of fruit and vegetables. I've only managed to stick to this goal once (on the first day) but have been to the gym 3 times, swum twice and have walked at least 5 miles each day except for today. In 5 days I have lost 3lbs and am now 125lbs. I start back at uni tomorrow and am going to be revising in the library (exams in June) which is perfectly situated next to the gym, I am also more determined then ever (after seeing myself in a pair of shorts) that I will stick to 1,000 calories or less each day).

I've realised now to my horror that none of my lovely summer clothes from last year fit me anymore (they are mainly size 6, 2 size 4's and some size 8 - American 2's, 0's and 4's respectively). So the goal now promarily is to fit comfortably into them (without bulging out everywhere like a whale). I reckon that gives me a absolute minimum goal of 112lbs but the ultimate goal would be to get back down to 105lbs before I go on hoiday in August.

Oh and I've placed a (kind of) bet with a friend that if I get stronger (muscles) then in 2 months time (after exams). I can go on this adventure trip with him (aparently I'm not strong enough to do it yet). But being a determined and competitive person, I've decided to take it really seriously and work out harder at the gym (on weights as well as the cardio I already do) and go swimming more often. And I'm going to get some protein powder as it'll be hard to get enough protein to build muscle on 1,000 calories without such supplements (in my opinion). Without the powder, I reckon I get around 36-40g of protein on 1,000 calories which is ideal for someone of my gender, age and weight. Except, if I want to build muscle the powder will give me at least an extra 20-40g of protein each day (depending on how much I consume/what powder I buy) which will help muscle building and recovery during and after exercise. This is UTTER determination :D

Anyway, as I was saying, I think this is a much healthier way of going about loosing weight and even though I'm the heaviest I've ever been since I was 14, I can tell that all the exercise I've been going has caused my body shape to be different from the last time I was fat. I can safely say that at 125lbs I have a fairly flat stomach (although it still rolls) and I've had compliments on my boobs since gaining weight (that's men for you). The only way I'll know I'm progressing though is when I can fit into my 2009 shorts and dresses (which I adore and absolutely do not want to give away). So I have no choice in the matter, either lose weight or wear baggy long tops and leggings all summer (the only things that fit me). It's quite depressing but I'm trying to be positive about it otherwise I'll end up comfort eating again and only making it worse.

I know that some of my male friends think I look better at this weight and I have been getting more male attention in general. However, Ana doesn't care what anyone else thinks, the goal is a selfish one. I want to be thin.
The ironic thing is that part of me knows that guys like curvier woman and I crave a relationship. The delight at spending time together, laughing and having secret jokes. Yet I'm so preoccupied by my weight and seem to be so scared of getting close and intimate with people. Hence why I have so many male friends - it's not that they're not there or that I can't talk to them. I'm just the joker of the group - the friend but never the best friend. Which is fine... sometimes. I mean, I do love having lots of friends but it would be nice to have that special someone one day who I don't emotionally push away. There is someone who I feel absolutely like I'd want to be close or intimate with one minute and the next minute the idea discusts me (not because of him but because of... well I haven't quite worked that one out yet).

He's got a girlfriend now but I'm still struggling with making my mind up about him. I can safely say he is a good friend of mine but I want more then that, if not with him then with somebody else, even if it's not going to be forever. I know I'll find my soul mate one day but for now it would be nice to have relationship or a definate best friend where feelings are known and mutual. Hmmm.... this blog has changed subject quite dramatically but it's definatly helped me to write all this down, I've discovered things that I've felt unsure about which I'm sure are obvious (if you've read this far).

Comments/advice would be good, thanks :-)

Back home.

I got back home yesterday, it was awesome to see my family again after 2 months but since I got home I've just not stopped eating. I'm feeling really miserable and extremely fat, I'm actually embarrassed to go out of the door. Tomorrow, I've got to visit where I used to work and I'm dreading them seeing how fat I've got over the last 6 months, it's so humiliating that my loss of control over myself and my life is so obvious. Argh!
I've decided that it's probably best to cut down my calories slowly so that tomorrow I'm going to eat 600 calories (yes I know that's a lot) but I feel so guilty about the amount I've eaten today that I can't help but do lots of exercise tomorrow so burn what I do eat off. A 4.5 mile run, 30 mins of step, a 2 mile walk and lots of sit ups, squats and push-ups (more if I need it).
I'm going to have a look on the net for some diet pills, I don't have the money for them as I'm an unemployed student, living off a government loan but I've got to the stage where I'm that desperate. I'm so fat now that my mum no longer asks me whether I've eaten or worries that I do too much exercise. I hate myself.

Half Ana, Half Rose.

Fuck it. I've decided on what I'm allowed to eat. And as much as I hate myself and feel discusting, I will let you know my weight. I'm just hoping that everything will be okay as the pounds melt away. I don't have a goal weight, I guess I just want to get to the weight I easily maintatined for 2 years before university (105lbs) and then maybe more but I'm not going to write specific numbers -
1. because I don't feel that this is my decision - I wish ana wasn't here but my mind is too weak to not give in to her and join pro-ana again.
2. because I feel like giving myself goals might set me up for failure.

Current weight: 122.6lbs (my highest weight in about 3 years - DISCUSTING)
Lowest weight: 97lbs
Height: 5ft 5"
BMI: 20.4

Diet =
Breakfast: Cup of tea with sweeteners, 2 dried dates.
Lunch: 1 can of soup (under 100kcal) or 2 powdered soups (under 60kcal).
Snack: Cup of tea with sweeteners, 2 dried dates.
Dinner: Cup of tea with sweeteners, 2 dried dates.
LOTS of water.
Diet coke and more tea if I need it (the sweeteners are calorie free by the way).

I hope to get some followers soon, when I first started this blog it was more of a diary but now I don't mind sharing so much so feel free to follow my weight loss, comment, ask questions, whatever...

It gets worse before it gets better?

It's been nearly 2 weeks since my last post. It's been great socially, I've been out with several groups of friends, drinking and partying lots. It's just, this thing inside my head keeps on growing and growing and things are getting so much worse. I know that if it gets much worse I'll stop going out with my friends - I already think about cancelling every time I have to figure out what to wear on my discusting self. I keep trying to restrict but always fail. I've just eaten 4 cookies and some chips and feel sick... I repulse myself. It's now getting to the stage where all I wear is baggy clothing to cover up my fat and even if I'm on my own I find it hard to wear just a t-shirt and not have huge jumpers covering me because I hate my body so much.
I just wish I could be like I was the last 2 years, maintaining a weight of around 105lbs and feeling happy with the way I looked most of the time, eating a sensible amount without thinking about/craving food too much. I still don't have a goal weight, all I know is that I want to lose weight and lose weight and lose weight until this intense pressure in my head lets up and allows me to just live my life. Please?

The last 2 years!

Heya!



So it's been a while and since I am in a good mood and have had a good day so far today I think it's probably time to update you all on the last two years and explain why I am back!



Well, as you can see if you look back in my blog, my blogging ended fairly abruptly although this definatly was not the end of my eating disorder. It carried on for agonising 3 months when suddenly (my memories from around that time are quite foggy) things got better! Literally, one day I was in a really good mood so decided that I could cope with eating a slice of toast for breakfast - I remember finding it difficult but within a few hours I was fine so decided to eat lunch and again was fine a few hours later. I obvioulsy still wasn't eating a healthy amount of food but it gave me so much energy and I began to feel even more positive, especially as I found I could eat more and stay between 103-106lbs.

After a few weeks and a few thoughts of relapse I felt that I was beginning to escape from Ana and made an immense effort to avoid going back to just 200 calories a day which was what I was sticking to most days before. For around 2 years I ate breakfast and a large lunch every day, maintained my weight and felt ten times better. Of course I had down days and even down weeks - in fact I went through another period of depression around winter 08 which was very tough and very isolating. I even relapsed briefly after suffering a winter stomach virus and got to 97lbs before managing to pull myself out of my ed trance.

Now when I look back, even though I'm relapsing now, I still feel that Ana had an intense grip on me throughout those two years. I remember still having rules such as not eating after 5pm and only eating two times per day (however large or small the meal was) unless I exercised or was working then I allowed a snack. I remember one time I went on a week long summer school where I didn't have access to a scale (I still weighed myself obessesively) and knew I would be provided with three meals a day. I therefore paniced and survived off a small slice of toast, a green side salad and half of my dinner (supplemented with lots of diet coke) each day and lost 3lbs in that week due to the intense level of control I exerted over myself that week. Of course, over time I managed to relax and sometimes disobeyed these rules but the feeling of such pride at maintaining a low weight made me extremely controlling over food and eating which effects all aspects of my life to this day.

Finally I would like to talk about where I am now. As you may realise from reading my previous posts or profile, I am now nearly 19 years old and am studying at university. When I first started I had quite a tough time settling in and didn't get on well with my flat mates. The first two weeks were spent going out clubbing a lot which I soon realised was not for me (after repeatedly having sweaty drunk men attempting to "touch me up"). This gave me a negative view of student life and I missed home immensely. Soon however, I'd joined several societies and started meeting people I could relate to and had several crushes on guys (who are now my best friends haha!). My the end of the first semester I was feeling happier yet still inadequate about not having reached the high but unknown expectation for what my university experience would be like and without a scale to keep track of my weight I began to eat a lot more out of comfort in down periods and started taking laxatives in the worry that this would lead to weight gain. When I returned home for the christmas holidays I was 116lbs and not feeling great about my body and the loss of control that had occured.

I didn't manage to lose the weight over the holidays and came back after christmas with my scales and a refreshed determination to return to 108lbs (which is what I was at the start of my first time). However, after a few weeks of maintaining 116lbs, I made even more friends and started feeling pretty great. My eating habits varied greatly depending on my mood but overall I relaxed a lot and put on another 4lbs. There is now just over a week to go untill the end of my second semester and the past 2/3 weeks I have been feeling Ana and depression slowly creeping up on me and my conscience. She has almost got me back for now I detest my body. In the last week, everyday I have spent thinking about how I can eat less and exercise more but have failed to lose any weight. I know it's only a matter of time before Ana forces me out of trying to eat healthily into a world of over exercising and living off extemely low numbers of calories once more. I really don't want this to happen yet unlike when Ana first came into my life, I feel I have no choice. I have gained so much at university - friends, confidence, experience and an array of new hobbies and interests. I know that this will be extremely hard to hold on to if Ana does consume me but as I said I don't know if this will get better or worse.

Thanks for reading, Rose xxx

I am back.

This is a poem I wrote today:

This is the beginning.
A new era.
A new journey.
But I have been here before Ana.
And I escaped.
You're taking me again Ana.
Taing away my life. My mind. Me.

What should I do Ana?
I am starting to despise myself.
Just as you wish.
Then you can take me.
Break me down.

My smile starts to fade.
This is the end.