Family Dinner!

Update: I guess I've done okayish over the weekend, I haven't lost or gained any weight, still 108lbs but I still feel exactly as I did at 114lbs!!! I've lost 6lbs since then and still look like a whale, no one's noticed but that's a good thing cos no one will suspect a thing, and I can carry on in complete control and show them all how powerful I can be!

Anyway, I've managed to avoid eating dinner with my family for the past 2 weeks now so that I could pretend to make my own dinner or make dinner and throw it away but today it was one of my families birthday so it was too difficult to reject eating with them - here came my first test -trying to hide food in front of my family whilst trying to make them believe I was eating all of it.

To be honest it was quite easy, I wore a huge baggy jumper with a large double front pocket. The dinner was the hard part, I was really nervous because it was a HUGE dinner of battered fish, chips, peas and mushrooms, full of hundreds and hundreds of calories, not to mention FAT. Firstly I managed to get away with picking out the fish from the batter and giving the batter to my dad, there was hardly any fish and loads of batter so eating the fish wasn't too bad.

I ate all the peas and mushrooms because I figured they're just vegetables and can't harm me too much and whilst eating them as slow as I could I smuggled most of the chips into my front pocket, then I made an excuse that I was cold, went to get another jumper and threw away the chips (and believe me there were sooooo many chips, i think my mum gave me extra deliberatly). I had to eat about 3 chips in the process to make it less obvious to my parents though. So in total I can't have eaten more then about 200kcals - I HATE NOT KNOWING FOR CERTAIN!

Even though that's all I've eaten all day I feel reaaaaaalllly guilty and I honestly feel like I want to cry, I can't throw it up because I have a phoebia of puke so I don't know what to do, I HAVE to reach 105lbs by friday or i'll have to MAKE myself throw up or think of some kind of punishment for myself for being so fat and ugly and stupid! I can't believe I ate today when I was so ready to go without so easily and avoid tempataion. I feel like a failure but atleast I managed to get away with leaving most of the food and my parents don't suspect much, I just have to stay alert and aware of any dangers of my parents finding out about my diet and I should be able to reach my first major goal of 98lbs, HAHA I haven't even reached my mini-goal (105lbs) but by the end of this week I have to be and then only 7lbs to go! See you soon x