Getting on with life.

I am supposed to be revising right now as my first year exams begin on Monday. However, I haven't updated in a while... so I thought I would.
Surprisingly I've not been feeling too stressed over my exams, of course I've had a few wobbly moments they have been resolved quite quickly with the use of friends, sleep and exercise :-) Also, I've come to the conclusion that my grades don't have to matter this year as I only have to get 40% to pass and none of my grades will go towards my final degree. This means I can simply start again next academic year, yaaaaay!

I went home this weekend (Friday till Tuesday) as it was my brother's 21st birthday. I was only home for 4 days but managed to put on the 2lbs that I'd spent the previous week loosing. Fortunately, two days after coming home and I'm back to the same weight that I was exactly a week ago (last Friday) of 125.2lbs.

I have accepted now that this weight loss is going to have to be slow and every week I feel stronger and able to resist the thoughts of self-hatred. I'm not quite there yet as I can't go clothes shopping without feeling like crying... or actually crying and I as much as I am looking forward to going home over summer, I am fearful that I will gain all the weight that I'm going to (hopefully) lose, I also spend a stupid amount of time comparing myself to other girls and trying to find the right clothes to cover my body every morning.

My Mum, saw how unhappy I was about my weight gain when we went shopping at the weekend and although she tells me she prefers me to be at the weight I am at now, I think she is finally beginning to understand and accept my desire to lose weight in order to feel comfortable within myself. She has therefore agreed to go on a diet with me when I come home mid-June which is making me feel less anxious about going home. She doesn't know I'm currently dieting or that I weigh 125lbs (she thinks I'm 120/122lbs as I feel so embarrassed to tell her the truth about my continued weight gain) and I've told her my plan will be based on 1500 calories, not the 800-1000 that I am on now (with exercise on top).

The plan is that she will only buy healthy foods so that she can lose 14lbs and I can reach 112lbs before we go on holiday in mid-August. She won't accept me getting any lower then 112lbs but I think I can cope with being that weight anyway. Hopefully I will be around 116lbs (maybe I'll even be 112!) when I go home as I am sure losing weight at home will be a lot slower then it already is as I won't be as busy as I am now and won't be doing as much natural exercise (e.g. walking up to 10miles as I don't have a car and can't afford the bus!).

So that gives me just over 4 weeks to lose 9lbs - about 2lbs a week which is reasonable as long as I can stop perpetually losing and gaining weight as that is just so frustrating! It's not like I'm gaining vast amounts and then loosing it quickly again, it's that +0.2lbs here +0.4lbs there that slows things down that bit more then it should. I've had just under 800 calories today (as I haven't done any exercise apart from a quick 1.5mile walk to the shops which is nothing). Who knows, maybe I'll break into the 124lbs mark tomorrow morning, that would be great!

Here's to a forgetting the past, looking to the future and having an awesome summer!