Christmas!

Hiya!

I had a great Christmas this year, I spent loads of time with my family playing games, sitting around the christmas tree and chatting and stuff and I really enjoyed myself. I also got some really cool presents e.g. an 80gb iPod, some new CD's, new books, bath stuff, Ugly Betty series 1 on DVD, jewellery and loads more random cool stuff!

So... the weight...

I have been a right fatty for the past 3 days so here are my current stats:

Current Weight: 112lbs
Gained: 4lbs
Lowest weight: 107lbs
Goal:105lbs

So I don't plan to eat today or tomorrow so get my weight back down to where it was before or even less and it's going to be really easy because even though I still have loads of temptation (i.e. all my christmas sweets/chocolates) I'm not actually hungry because of the amount I've eaten the past few days. To give you an idea I'll write roughly what I ate yesterday (boxing day spent with my family at my nanny and grandad's house) and a warning: it's NOT pretty! (in order throughout the day from 9am to 10pm)

• Piece of bread with low fat butter and jam.
• Handful of trail mix
• Roast dinner (Quorn chicken, veg and roast potatos/parsnips)
• Christmas pudding with double cream and brandy butter.
• Two ice-cream chocolates.
• Three pieces of fudge.
• One Chocolate biscuit.
• Two slices of cheese on toast.
• Four after 8 mints.

I told you it wasn't pretty and I probably ate more then that on christmas day!

So anyway, I have a bridesmaid dress fitting on saturday so I have to get back down to at least 110lbs by then to look even moderatly good in my dress because it's so tight like a corset, so you have to be stick thin to look nice in it and I'm no where near thin yet so yeah, I have to lose at least 2lbs in 2 days... easy right? So I'll probably loose more than that! Yay!

Crapiest week since starting this blog!

Seriously, I've put on all the weight I lost this past few weeks, I'm now back to 111lbs and I feel so fat and guilty and worthless, i made such an effort to get to my mini target of 105lbs and now I feel like I'm starting all over again. All this week I've been really bad with things like sweets, cakes and chocolate, you know... the stuff that makes you obese and it's really taken it's toll and made me loose focus on my goal. Also it's very near to christmas (only 3 days) and i'm pretty sure it's going to be pretty hard to even maintain my weight during a time when the world turns into glutenous pigs! I know I will probably be one of them.


Nevertheless I'm starting again today and so far I've eaten roughly 100kcals and I don't plan to eat anything else today (apart from maybe a few cups of tea). To take my mind off food and stuff though when I get back from work I'm making a list of things to do so that I have no time to eat anything!


5.30pm: Take a bath
6.30pm:Watch TV

Thereafter watching TV I can:

• Surf the internet


• Study Biology


• Finish photography folder work


• Write in my ana journal


• Look for constipation pills on net chemist (will need these over christmas if i cant make myself throw up)


• Look for new diet pills (find better ones then the hoodia ones i am currently using)


• Read a book.


• Draw some anime.


• Update my myspace/youtube/facebook accounts


• E-mail my pro-ana buddy! Updates, new goals etc


• Download some new music
• Listen to music
• Pamper myself, nails, make-up, moisture cream etc
  

I think that list will keep me going the whole evening then on saturday i'm going shopping with 2 of my friends so it will be easy to avoid food because they never question me when it comes to food, they haven't got a clue so it's all good. Hope I can get back down to atleast 107lbs if not 105 by christmas so if i put weight on it will be easier to get down to my targets again. Will hope to write a new post my christmas eve but may not be untill the 27th december. Wish me luck!

Part Time Job!

Hiya!

I've kinda got a temporary part time job now, It's helping out my Dad's friend with his business and I did some work for him over the summer holidays and I've now been offered some more casual work in my spare time so I'm here now in the office... writing in my blog lol! What's good about this job is that it keeps me busy and therefore keeps my mind off of food AND i earn money at the same time so it's really a WIN:WIN situation :D

Worry of the moment: My period has just come which means that
1. I just had a huge chocolate binge and the more serious situation
2. It wasn't really a period, it lasted just one day (yesterday) and was the tiniest smear of blood I've ever seen. So now I'm worried that my periods have stopped and I'm not sure what to do, i know really it means I should start eating properly and dare i say it, put some weight on but I'm so close to my target I just can't stop, I keep telling myself, "just 98lbs that's not too bad, not too unhealthy and I'll be thin and pretty and in control" but when your periods stop, it stops your bones from absorbing calcium and I don't wan osteoporosis or anything...

I know... I'll continue my diet until I get to my target weight (98lbs) then if my periods are still not happening then I'll try not to lose any more or something, but for now I'm just gonna look on some health sites or something to reassure myself that everything is okay...

Anyhow... My current stats:

Weight: 107lbs
BMI: 17.8 (apparently I'm underweight, what a load of bullshit!)
Waist: 24"
Hips: 30"
Bust (under boobs): 30"

Anyone wanna talk? : flaco_deseo@hotmail.co.uk

Family Dinner!

Update: I guess I've done okayish over the weekend, I haven't lost or gained any weight, still 108lbs but I still feel exactly as I did at 114lbs!!! I've lost 6lbs since then and still look like a whale, no one's noticed but that's a good thing cos no one will suspect a thing, and I can carry on in complete control and show them all how powerful I can be!

Anyway, I've managed to avoid eating dinner with my family for the past 2 weeks now so that I could pretend to make my own dinner or make dinner and throw it away but today it was one of my families birthday so it was too difficult to reject eating with them - here came my first test -trying to hide food in front of my family whilst trying to make them believe I was eating all of it.

To be honest it was quite easy, I wore a huge baggy jumper with a large double front pocket. The dinner was the hard part, I was really nervous because it was a HUGE dinner of battered fish, chips, peas and mushrooms, full of hundreds and hundreds of calories, not to mention FAT. Firstly I managed to get away with picking out the fish from the batter and giving the batter to my dad, there was hardly any fish and loads of batter so eating the fish wasn't too bad.

I ate all the peas and mushrooms because I figured they're just vegetables and can't harm me too much and whilst eating them as slow as I could I smuggled most of the chips into my front pocket, then I made an excuse that I was cold, went to get another jumper and threw away the chips (and believe me there were sooooo many chips, i think my mum gave me extra deliberatly). I had to eat about 3 chips in the process to make it less obvious to my parents though. So in total I can't have eaten more then about 200kcals - I HATE NOT KNOWING FOR CERTAIN!

Even though that's all I've eaten all day I feel reaaaaaalllly guilty and I honestly feel like I want to cry, I can't throw it up because I have a phoebia of puke so I don't know what to do, I HAVE to reach 105lbs by friday or i'll have to MAKE myself throw up or think of some kind of punishment for myself for being so fat and ugly and stupid! I can't believe I ate today when I was so ready to go without so easily and avoid tempataion. I feel like a failure but atleast I managed to get away with leaving most of the food and my parents don't suspect much, I just have to stay alert and aware of any dangers of my parents finding out about my diet and I should be able to reach my first major goal of 98lbs, HAHA I haven't even reached my mini-goal (105lbs) but by the end of this week I have to be and then only 7lbs to go! See you soon x

108lbs

That's right, I now weight 108lbs and I'm starting to get into the swing of my new diet. When my mum suspects anything I just cook myself dinner, take it to my bedroom, take 1 or 2 bites then wrap the rest in tissue, put it in a plastic bag and throw it away, simple!

So here's my current stats:

Highest weight (this year-2007) - 126lbs

Current weight: 108lbs

Lowest weight: 108lbs

Waist: 24.5"

Hips: 31"

Here's a new pic of me (well my stomach anyway)

THIS IS SO STUPID

I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NOT EATING, I CAN DO IT!

I HAD SOME FAT BINGE ON ICING TODAY AND I FEEL REALLY BAD SO I'M WATCHING THINSPO TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BUT I DON'T NEET MY MUM TO START QUESTIONING ME ABOUR EATING.
AND I'VE JUST REALISED HOW BAD I WANT TO BE THIN, IT MEANS SOOOOOOO MUCH TO ME AND NOT EATING TO GET THERE IS NOT STRANGE SO WHY SHOULD I BE MADE TO FEEL ABNORMAL JUST COS I'M TRYING TO BE STRONG AND RESIST THE TEMPTATIONS OF FOOD GRRRRRRR!!!

MY PARENTS!!!

CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAAAAAAAAAAP!!! My Mum found out I've been looking at pro-ana sites, she doesn't know what they are yet but she saw I'd been searching stuff about anorexia and she started asking me questions about it and saying "oh you'd never do stuff like that would you?". I lied my way out of it and said that it was just pop ups and not me searching and she believed it but now I'm worried she's going to be more suspicious. It's all too real now and I know I can't stop this. I've just got to be more careful and make sure I clear all the interent, history and search engine files after I've been on the net every single time. No forgetting or slacking because it could end up making it even harder for me to loose weight and achieve my goals.

You can never set your goals too high!

I've just realised that by setting my mini goal at 110lbs I am automatically setting myself up for failure because by setting such an easy goal it means i keep slacking and then... failing.

Sooooooo, this week I am setting my goal for 105lbs by next saturday because I have a bridesmaid dress fitting that day and I want to look less fat and sticky outy for when I try it on. As I said, I reached my goal and then started slacking so now I'm back up to 111lbs!

This is a pic of me now: